Parshas Vayechi: Experiences and Expectations

We humans are experts of expectations.  We apply our expectations to everyone and everything.  Our ability to forecast similar results in future situations is part of what has allowed us to advance so much.  We can even learn and apply others’ experiences to our own future expectations – something the animal kingdom generally cannot do (and definitely cannot do to such an advanced level).

Unfortunately, expectations can often be misleading.  We base our expectations of other people on past interactions – but not necessarily with those same people.  One might watch how his mother or father acted and expect his/her spouse to act the same. One may look at how well they did as a student and expect their children to do the same.  Or one might have expectations of others without necessarily knowing from whence they came.  A boss might have scrupulously honest employees, and yet constantly suspect them of cheating him.

When we can point to past experiences that logically color our expectations, we can more easily change them. But more often than not, we don’t really know why we have the expectations we do, especially of other people.  We learn from Torah teachings that the faults we see in others are those we ourselves have.  Conversely, if we do not have a particular character trait we have a harder time seeing them in others. So, you might have a boss with honest employees who suspects them of stealing because he himself is the kind of person who would take advantage of an employer. Or, you might have a boss with dishonest employees who are cheating him, but he would never imagine that of them because he himself would never think to do such a thing.

In this week’s parsha, our forefather Yaakov (Jacob) dies.  After he dies, Yosef’s (Joseph’s) brothers are terrified that now he will exact revenge on them for the wrong they did him. Why? Yosef has already told them in no uncertain terms that he has forgiven them for everything.  They can see for themselves the good that has happened to Yosef as a result of their action. And Yosef has even placed them in exalted and privileged positions within Egyptian society, in addition to providing them with food and sanctuary in their time of need.

Perhaps the brothers have a guilty conscience.  Yosef is known as the first “tzaddik” and one of his strongest character traits was his emunah, his faith and ability to see G-d’s hand in everything.   His brothers, on the other hand, may have imagined themselves going through what Yosef went through, and doubted their own ability to truly forgive in such a situation.  Because they didn’t believe in their own abilities, they therefore projected this onto Yosef and doubted his ability to forgive.

We must be very careful with the expectations we project onto others.  We may expect too much or too little of them, based on what are actually our own strengths and weaknesses. When we catch ourselves expecting something of someone else, we must always ask ourselves where this expectation comes from. If we cannot identify it in our past experiences, we should look inside ourselves. Are we expecting an action that we ourselves would do? Is it a strength we have that someone else might not? Or is it a weakness we really have that we need to work on to grow? By doing this, we not only promote our own personal growth and self actualization, but we also give ourselves the tools we need to improve our interpersonal relationships.

Shabbat Shalom!

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Parshas Vayigash: Remember Who You Are

In this week’s parsha we see Yaakov (Jacob) traveling down to Egypt.  Along the way, he has a dream in which Hashem (G-d) comes to him and tells him not to be afraid, that he should resettle in Egypt.  Was Yaakov afraid? And why did he have to stay in Egypt? It makes sense why Yosef (Joseph) would need to stay in Egypt, but why Yaakov? What was so important that G-d Himself had to command him to go live there?

Egypt was fundamentally different from Canaan (the land of Israel at that time).  Yaakov’s father and grandfather lived there and were well known and respected.  For the most part, the family was accepted.  Perhaps they were viewed as a bit eccentric, or even heretical, but nobody in those days cared all that much.  In fact, as Rabbi Bernie Fox of the OU points out, the Canaanites’ acceptance of Yaakov’s family was so total and complete that Shechem, a prince, fell in love with and asked to marry Yaakov’s daughter Dina.  Even when told that he and his entire city would have to be circumcised (as adults, with no anesthetic!), he did it, and commanded his city to do so as well.  The Jews were accepted fully.

Egypt, however, was not like that.  There, Yaakov’s family would really be viewed as heretics, and in the wildly religious Egypt, that was not something to be overlooked.  The Jews were not even permitted to eat at the same table as the Egyptians!  This applied even to Yosef, who was second to no one but Pharaoh himself.  In Egypt, the Jews would remain separate.

You see, Yosef was afraid to leave the land his family had settled, which had been promised to him and his ancestors, which his father (Yitzchak, Isaac) had been forbidden to leave.  But he had to go and live in Egypt because if he and his entire family did not, the assimilation would be so total that the Jewish people would have been wiped out before it even began.

Unfortunately, we face this very problem today, quite strongly.  In many Western cultures, the assimilation is very strong.  Marry someone who’s not Jewish and he won’t mind if you want to celebrate Chanukah instead of X-mas.  He’ll be happy to come with you to your Pesach seder, he just might invite you to his family’s Easter dinner.  And what’s the harm in that? It’s only a dinner, right?  And the circle will spiral downwards – assimilation is a slippery slope that poses a big threat to Judaism.

It’s often been said that Antisemitism has done a great job at keeping Jews Jewish. Please G-d we can do without this, however we must always remember that we are different no matter how much the place in which we live welcomes us.

Shabbat Shalom!

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Parshas Vayeishev: Everything is for the Best

Baby Levi

Baruch Hashem, last Friday we had a beautiful bris for our second son, whom we named Levi.  We were very touched by the calls, emails, gifts, and attendance of the community.  Our community in Adelaide may be small, but it is very much alive.  It is the kind of place where each and every Jew can truly feel how special and important (s)he is in his/her contributions.

You may have heard the saying that every cloud has its silver lining, meaning that even in a difficult situation there is something good, if only we look for it.  So too it is true in a place like Adelaide.  Being small, we notice when someone makes the effort to come to Shul to help make the minyan.  We notice when someone helps out in the Shul kitchen or calls to wish another Jew mazal tov.  In big communities, these contributions can often go unnoticed or be taken for granted, but not so here!  Here every person’s specialness shines forth in each and every little mitzvah we do.

In this week’s parsha, Joseph has quite a few difficult experiences.  Yet, he finds the silver lining to every cloud.  This is called emunah, faith, and Joseph’s emunah in G-d never wavers.  No matter what his situation, he finds something good in it.  For instance, when his brothers sell him as a slave, the merchants are carrying spices.  Normally Arab merchants on that route would have been carrying tar and naphtha, which smell terrible, but Joseph’s new masters were instead carrying delicious-smelling spices.  Joseph recognized this as a blessing and a sign that G-d was there with him in his time of need.

Ultimately, this is what each of us must do in our own times of need.  When we are up all night with a crying baby, we must remember to be grateful that we have a baby.  When we lose a job, we must have emunah that something better is coming to us and we must work to find it.  When our car breaks down and needs a repair, we must be grateful it is our car that has broken and not our body.  For everything in life, there is always something to be grateful for.  There is always a bonus, always a silver lining, if only we choose to seek it.

This week we wish you all that you should have such beautiful silver linings that you cannot fail to notice them!

Shabbat shalom!

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Parshas Vayishlach: Births and Blessings

Just before last Shabbos we had the blessing of welcoming our second son into the world.  It is with gratitude to G-d that we are now able to look forward to his bris and future Bar Mitzvah.

We are very grateful to live in a time and a place where childbirth has become relatively “safe.”  In Judaism, childbirth is recognized as a life-threatening condition, and the mother is considered to be in mortal danger even for three days after giving birth.  Thus if a woman is in labour, even if it is on Shabbat, we are permitted to do almost anything that would break the Shabbat.

Fortunately today, childbirth is not as dangerous as it once was.  Today modern medicine ensures that women in labour and her baby are both constantly monitored by professionals who can identify when one or the other has reached a critically life-threatening point.  At that stage, options like surgery are available to save both lives.  Because of modern sanitation, surgery is not as dangerous as it once was.  The Torah teaches us that we are given doctors and medicine in order to use them for the purpose of saving lives.  Both saving another person’s life and making the decision to choose life by seeking medical intervention when necessary are tremendous mitzvot.

Sadly, in this week’s parsha another Rachel gave birth but did not fare as well.  Rachel Imenu died giving birth to her son Binyamin and was buried on the road, as opposed to being buried with the other patriarchs and matriarchs in the Cave of Machpelah.

The death of Jacob’s favorite wife was no doubt a tragedy in their family.  And yet, it was ultimately part of G-d’s plan and an act of divine mercy.  By being buried on the road outside Jerusalem, Rachel’s tomb is in a place where Jewish exiles throughout the ages have had to pass.  When passing by, the Jews have traditionally stopped to pray and beg for Rachel’s intervention on their behalf.  Rachel Imenu cries out for her children and begs G-d for divine mercy in her merit on their behalf.

We cannot always understand G-d’s plans.  But we certainly should and must express our deepest gratitude whenever we can.  This week, we are extremely grateful to G-d for the safe delivery of our son.  We are also very grateful for all the help and kindness the community has shown us.

We are looking forward to celebrating our son’s bris this Friday morning and we hope you will all be able to join us.

Shabbat shalom!

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Parshas Vayetzei: The Importance of Judging Favorably

In the famous book ‘The Phantom Tollbooth’, the main character Milo and two of his friends jump to conclusions about how easy their journey is.  Unfortunately for them, Conclusions turns out to be a barren island crowded with people, to which they have literally jumped.  They discover that although it is very easy to jump to Conclusions, it is not so easy to get back again.

Unfortunately, most of us jump to conclusions quite regularly.  However, unlike in ‘The Phantom Tollbooth’, we don’t always notice the unpleasantness of the place where we’ve ended up, although it does take us a good long swim in the Sea of Knowledge to get back again.  In our ordinary lives, many conclusions we jump to are harmless, but when we jump to conclusions that concern our fellow man, it can be very dangerous indeed.

Judaism teaches that we must always judge others favorably.  Pirkei Avos (Ethics of Our Fathers) tells us that we cannot judge another man until we have stood in his shoes – which is, of course, impossible to do.  We can never fully understand another person or his/her reasons and motives for doing something.  It is up to us to construe the best possible motive we can.

Rabbi Levi Yitzchak of Berditchev spotted a man greasing the wheels of his wagon while he was wearing his tallit and tefillin. Instead of being furious at this sacrilege, the rabbi turned his eyes toward heaven and proclaimed, “See, Master of the World, how holy Your children are! Even when he is engaged in greasing his wheels, he nevertheless remembers to pray to You.” 

We never know how powerful our words and our interpretations can be.  Perhaps our good interpretations are as angels to help defend that person in the Heavenly Court.  Perhaps the negative conclusions we jump to help the Yetzer Hara (evil inclination/Satan) to prosecute our fellow man in the Heavenly Court.  Surely when it comes to something so serious, we want to be as good to others as possible!  And of course, we definitely want others to judge well of us in turn.

The seriousness of this kind of judgment and jumping to conclusions comes to the forefront at the end of this week’s parsha.  Rachel steals one of her father’s idols and when he comes chasing after Jacob demanding the return of the stolen object, Jacob curses with death whomever would have stolen such a thing.  He simply cannot fathom that anyone in his family entourage would possibly want an idol.  Yet, Rachel only took the idol as an attempt to force her father away from idol worship.  She had the best of intentions.  And as we see in next week’s parsha, Jacob’s curse comes true and Rachel dies.

Of course most of us are not on such a high spiritual level that simply jumping to conclusions and making the wrong judgment of someone will cause their death.  But this does not mean we can underestimate the harm done when we judge another person poorly.  Whether the harm is spiritual, emotional, or physical matters not.  We have the power to choose instead to do the right thing and judge others well.  By doing so, we have untold powers to improve the lives of those around us.  This week, let us all focus on judging positively!

Shabbat shalom!

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