Right now we’re staying with my cousin David in Sydney.  He’s a really awesome guy who’s a psychiatrist by trade.  The other day he had to do something for a particularly frustrating patient of his.  He explained that he was experiencing what psychologists term “negative countertransference” – in other words, he was getting angry with this guy.  This particular patient was just supremely annoying him.  Which got me to thinking about things like anger (and negative countertransference)… and their solutions.  Of course, where there is anger with a particular person, it should eventually be followed by forgiveness.

Forgiveness seems to be one of those things we human beings have the hardest time with.  We always seem to tend toward one extreme or the other.  Either we hold grudges or we forgive too easily.  Either way, we end up getting hurt.  Either we’re hurting ourselves by carrying past pain and anger… or we’re hurting ourselves by repeatedly trusting the wrong people over and over again.

In this week’s parsha, Yosef (Joseph) encounters his brothers again.  He forgives them for selling him into slavery, a forgiveness that they are so shocked to hear they almost don’t believe it.  But even here, Yosef’s forgiveness is somewhat understandable even to us average people.  After all, he recognized after a while that G-d had a hand in all of this and that he could never have become viceroy over Egypt if he hadn’t been sent there as a slave.  Everything in hindsight is 20/20.  So here we find our first key to forgiveness: time makes clear the reasons why things happened the way they did, and heals our wounded emotions.  After so many years in Egypt, Yosef both saw the bigger picture and he also had been given enough time for his hurt to have been healed.  So too with us.  After so much time has passed and we see how everything fits perfectly into place, we become able to forgive in a way that we weren’t able to before.

Of course, this doesn’t mean we should wait years to forgive someone who has hurt or wronged us.  In fact, holding a grudge is forbidden in Torah and many groups of orthodox Jews have the custom to verbally state their forgiveness of everyone just before going to sleep at night.  But if someone just wronged you this evening, how can you bring yourself to forgive them in a matter of hours?

When I was in Petra, Jordan I decided to climb to the top of one of the mountains there to get this amazing view of the famous treasury.  When I got there, the view was indeed spectacular, but in trying to climb back from the viewing point, I had to get over a large boulder and the only way I could get up was to bounce myself over it.  As I did so, my iPhone bounced itself out of my bag and down under another boulder.  Although some nearby French tour guides tried to help me retrieve it, they only succeeded in knocking it further under the boulder until it was lost for good.  On my way down the mountain, I struggled with the “negative countertransference” this experience engendered within me.  Somewhere about 3/4 of the way down the mountain, I met a guy climbing up.  He seemed disappointed when I told him had most of the way left to go, but he invited me to sit and rest and share an orange with him anyhow.  As we sat and chatted, he mentioned out of the blue (without me telling him anything about what had just transpired) that on a previous trip, he had lost an iPhone while traveling.  He has a new one now and doesn’t miss the old one anymore, but instead of traveling with the expensive phone, he now sticks his sim card in an old phone he wouldn’t mind losing.  What struck me was the realization that in a year or two or three, losing this silly piece of modern gadgetry would no longer bother me.  What would bother me would be missing out on enjoying my one day in Petra.  So I moved on and enjoyed my day in Petra and you know what? I have a new iPhone now, a better one (thanks, Mom & Dad!), and I don’t miss the old one anymore… and I am happy because I have these incredible memories from Petra.

This is what we have to do when it comes to forgiving others.  We have to stop and think if in a year, in 5 years, in 10 years, in 50 years – will this still be on our minds? Should it still be on our minds? And will all that time spent carrying around negative feelings be something we remember and smile – or would we prefer to think back on a repaired (if not restored) relationship.  At least cordiality instead of animosity, if not outright affection.  When I think back on the grudges I’ve borne over the years, more often or not after forgiving, I find I promptly forget what I was upset about in the first place and now I cannot recall it, however hard I try.

Of course, forgiving does not mean you must forget.  If you know it’s the best thing in your situation, then sure, go ahead, but even Yosef teaches us that it’s not necessary.  Much to the contrary – when slapped, we Jews may forgive the slap, but we are forbidden to turn the other cheek to have it be slapped, too.  Indeed, Yosef tests his brothers before revealing himself to them.  He frames his younger brother Binyamin (Benjamin) and accuses him of stealing from the palace.  He wants him locked away, just to see how the other brothers will react.  When they demonstrate that they would do just about anything to free him, Yosef sees that they have truly repented of their old ways.  Yosef forgives them – but he doesn’t forget what they did.

This is the advice for those of us who forgive too easily, those who will overlook things to the point of being hurt time and time again.  Judaism is a religion of moderation.  We are not allowed to hold a grudge but neither are we allowed to overlook mistreatment to the point where we are mistreated time and again.  We must forgive, but not forget.

In this coming week, let us all think about the people against whom we still harbor anger, resentment, hurt, bitterness, or even hatred.  Let us contemplate how we can forgive them and move on with our lives, more positive and more free.

Shabbat shalom!

About seven years ago I did a juggling/magic/ fire spinning; show for Chabad F.R.E.E and Chabad of Bondi beach. It was great to be doing the show again  after being out of it for a few years. I remember the times years ago when I’d be booked at a half a dozen Chanukah shows, and there would be these kids who attended every Chanukah party around town. They would be seeing me for fourth, fifth or sixth time, and they sat there calling out my lines and jokes before I said them. Good memories

During a Chabad Chanukah party in the park in Paraguay, dozens of Jews showed up. I really enjoyed watching all the children play on the playground, especially these two boys who showed their good middos by playing with a little boy much younger than them.

Paraguay is a little, landlocked country in south-central South America, just above Argentina and hemmed in by Brazil and Bolivia.  In 2007, while I was living in Argentina, I packed a small bag and spontaneously flew there, without plans as to what to eat, where to sleep, or how I would celebrate the holiday. Holiday?! Yes, Chanukah!  It was December and I went to Paraguay during Chanukah.

Fortunately, as soon as I arrived, I gave the Chabad rabbi a call.  After taking a taxi to the Chabad, we all piled into his car and drove to a nearby park, usually driving on the wrong side of the road and just barely avoiding head-on collisions with the oncoming traffic.  The rabbi told me they were going to be having a Chanukah party in the park.

When we arrived, I couldn’t believe my eyes.  A larger-than-life Chanukah menorah towered above us.  I don’t think I’ve ever see one so big before!  And I certainly wouldn’t have expected to see it in a park in Asunción, Paraguay!

More and more members of the community began to arrive. The children played on the playground while teenage girls blew up balloons for them. The adults stood around, chatting.  Then, the sun began to set.  The men quickly formed a minyan and began to pray.  When they were done, it was showtime!

The menorah was so enormous that the rabbi had hired a cherry-picker truck to come lift people to the top to light it!  I was amazed.  It was incredible to celebrate the miracles of Chanukah by lighting the largest menorah I’ve ever seen, with many other Jews, in the center of a small country in South America.

At a Chanukah party in the park in Asuncion, Paraguay, the Chabad rabbi even let me ride up in the cherry-picker to light the menorah!

The next night, the party in the park continued.  Once again the children came out to play, the adults came out to chat, and the cherry-picker arrived for the menorah lighting.  This time, the rabbi even let me ride up and light the menorah! I will never forget how excited I was to perform this beautiful mitzvah, or how beautiful the city of Asunción looked from up so high.

When I descended to the ground again, the surprises weren’t over.  The Chabad house had cooked up a huge batch of homemade sufganiot (jelly donuts) to celebrate the miracle of the oil!  I must have eaten two or three – they were so good – and still there were many left after the party.

That Chanukah I spent in Paraguay will always be in my mind as one of my favorite celebrations of Chanukah.  It just goes to show that no matter where we live, we are still Jews and we still cling to our traditions, our beliefs, and our way of life.

Chanukah sameach!

This is from a hike I did 10 years ago in the Blue Mountains in Australia. Last week I went and did the same walk. It is still as beautiful

Hi All,

Those of you who are regular visitors to the blog would have noticed that I have not posted in the last few weeks. I have been busy writing a book and have thank G-d finished it at last. It is about traveling the world; filled with adventure and spiced with Jewish thoughts and practices. I hope to get this out in the next few months. I’ll either publish it with a major publisher or may make it available through print on demand.

Tomorrow night on Bondi beach I’ll be doing a Juggling Show at around 7:30. It is part of a joint Chanukah party with F.R.E.E. and Chabad of Bondi Beach which starts at 5:30pm. I hope you can make it.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that all is well, and I should have a few good Chanukah posts over the next week.
Regards,
-Ben

Parshas Vayeishev: Joseph, Dreams, and Self-Fulfilling Prophecies

This week, I’ve had some pretty weird dreams.  The truth is, I think I have pretty weird dreams every week.  I’m one of those people whose dreams are frequent, vivid, weird… and memorable.  I almost always remember my dreams.

My cousin David was recently telling me about a woman he knows who is a famous dream interpreter.  She has even interpreted dreams for royalty!  She’s the kind of person most of us would like to meet because we would all like to have a better understanding of our dreams and what they mean.

However, we have to be very careful who is interpreting our dreams.  In Judaism, we learn that dreams follow their interpretation.  One famous rabbi in the Talmud consulted 24 different dream interpreters about one of his dreams – and all 24 interpretations came true.

We see the importance of this in this week’s parsha.  Joseph has two dreams and interprets them to mean that his brothers (and his parents, in one of them) will bow down to him… and indeed they do, many years later when he is viceroy in Egypt.  When Joseph interprets Pharaoh’s dreams, things came to pass exactly as he stated it would.  Most importantly, we can see this concept in the dreams of the cupbearer and the baker.  When Pharaoh’s cupbearer has a dream and Joseph interprets it favorably, it convinces his baker to ask for an interpretation of his dream, too.  The baker’s dream was not as encouraging as the cupbearer’s, so he only asks Joseph for an interpretation because he sees that Joseph’s interpretation of the cupbearer’s was positive.  The baker hoped that Joseph would give him a similarly positive interpretation.  Unfortunately, that wasn’t what he received – and that wasn’t what ended up happening.

From this we can learn just how important it is to interpret a dream positively.  Often, Jewish people won’t even tell over a nightmare or bad dream to anyone, out of fear that it might follow a negative interpretation.  Instead, when we wake from such a dream, we are supposed to remind ourselves that “all dreams are nonsense.”

And indeed, most dreams are nonsense.  Most dreams are based on things that have happened recently in our lives, books we’ve read, movies we’ve seen, or even nonsense as a result of something we ate before bed.  These dreams have no meaning and should be completely disregarded.

But then, there are those dreams that are tantamount to prophecy – or at least, as the sages say, are 1/60 of prophecy.  Usually these are the dreams that really stick with you.  You wake up remembering them vividly and you carry around strange emotions with you all day.  You just can’t seem to shake the dreams from your mind.  These are the dreams that follow their interpretation.

So what happens if you have one of these dreams?  Well, first of all, you can interpret it positively yourself.  And secondly, you can tell it over to a very trusted friend who is going to be sure to give you a positive interpretation.  When I was in seminary in Jerusalem, I once had a dream that someone close to me died. I told it over to my madricha (counselor), who promptly told me that when someone dies in your dreams, it means they will have a long life.  To this day, that is what I believe.

So this week, when I had a bad dream that scared me quite a bit, I decided to tell it over to a good friend of mine.  My friend promptly gave me a positive interpretation that rendered the nightmare benign, if not comforting!  But you must remember to be very careful who you choose if you feel you have to share a bad dream with someone… because interpretations are so very powerful.

And I think this is true in our entire lives.  It shows the power of our interpretations of the world.  In everything in life, we are susceptible to self-fulfilling prophecies.  We have to be very careful to interpret the world around us in the most positive light possible, if we want the most positive outcome.   If we believe we will be winners, we will be.  If we believe we will be losers, we will be.  Either way, we are right.  Either way, our “dreams” follow their interpretations.

In the coming week, let us focus on developing a positive outlook and positive interpretations of all our dreams… and everything else in our lives. Shabbat shalom!