Parshas Chayei Sarah: To Love a Child

After having a child, my whole perspective regarding children changed.  Previously, I had not really understood the “maternal instinct.”  I understood conceptually the idea that Hashem loves us like His children, but emotionally it meant nothing.

Akiva changed all of that.

I love Akiva so much that I can’t imagine being without him.  If I thought he might get hurt, I would readily fling myself in harm’s way to save him.  Even though the sleepless nights wear me down, he’s such a joy that the thought of ever being without him fills me with terror.  Normally I’m a pretty chilled out mom (well, I’d have to be, I’m married to the Traveling Rabbi!) but I do have my moments.

So this year I read Chayei Sarah with a new perspective.  It is in this week’s parsha that we learn that Sarah has died.  The commentaries tell us that the Satan came to her in a vision and showed her Avraham sacrificing Yitzchak.  Thinking her only son, her precious son, was dead, she died of a broken heart.

Suddenly I understand this in a new way.  Suddenly I understand emotionally, not just conceptually, how she would be feeling.  Losing my son (G-d forbid!) is the very worst thing I can imagine – worse even than dying myself (G-d forbid!).   I can close my eyes and imagine the horror Sarah was feeling.

And I understand, too, how Hashem feels for us, His children.  How He can forgive us everything, if only we return to Him. How He has to punish us for our sins, in order to teach us the right way to live, just as we punish our own children for their mistakes in order to teach them.  Just like us, He does not want to have to hurt us – it’s only for our good!   But unlike us, He does not have the human failings we all have.  He is not selfish, He is not greedy, and He is never sleep deprived.

This new perspective fills me with a sort of awe.  We are so lucky to be so well loved, if Hashem loves us just as much as I love Akiva.  And how much more lucky we are because Hashem is capable of loving us even more than we are capable of loving our children, because His love is pure, without any of the human error in it.

Now we just have to grow up.  We need to progress from being rebellious and cocky teenagers, ignoring our Father, and mature into parents ourselves, where we can suddenly appreciate what we put our own Father through as we experience the trials and tribulations ourselves.

This week, let us recognize the wisdom and love of Hashem and do our best to respond to Him in kind.

Shabbat Shalom.

Read more on Parshas Chayei Sarah: Isaac and Rebecca Teach us what Love Is

Parshas Vayera: The Journey Continues

Just very briefly, as I am in an internet cafe: Yes, we are on the road again! Akiva had his first road trip, about which I’ll post more another time.

Sometimes we move because we have to, not because we want to.  Travel isn’t always a choice.  Sometimes you get to a place and it isn’t what you expected; it doesn’t have the amenities you need or you can’t access the food and goods you need.  So you have to move on, even if you want to rest, even if your next destination doesn’t sound that great to you.

Thus is is that in this week’s parsha Avraham finds himself happy in the land of Israel, but having to move on. Famine drives him down to Egypt, which I’m sure wouldn’t be his first choice of places to visit.  It’s a hostile place, hardly welcoming of religious Jews.  Yet, he goes because he has to.

This week, let’s all continue our journeys and make the best of them, as Avraham did.  Because just as he went away from his unintended visit laden with gifts, so too will Hashem shower us with gifts if we only travel in his channel and try our best to do his will.

Shabbat shalom!

Read more on Parshas Vayera: When Avraham Teaches us that True Self-Sacrifice is Sacrificing Your Ego 

Parshas Lech Lecha: Far From Family

A friend’s husband recently left her for 10 days to travel on business, leaving her with their two young children.  Another friend’s husband left (also for business) for a couple of weeks, leaving her with a newborn.  And Rabbi Ben left me not long ago to spend nearly 3 weeks traveling in Papua New Guinea.

While it’s never easy to be left a single parent, there was a big difference between me and my two friends.  The first has her family here. When I saw her in Shul last Shabbos, she told me how one day, too exhausted to deal with dinner, she called up her mom and asked if she and the kids could crash there for a meal.  The other friend also lives far from her family… but she lives with her in-laws, who have plenty of grandchildren.  They’re always willing to help soothe a crying baby or to lend her a hand, even when their son isn’t around.  When Rabbi Ben left me, I was really on my own.  My parents and in-laws alike are halfway across the world and I can’t ask them for help when I’m tired or stressed or overdrawn.

It was really special when my parents were able to visit and spend some time with Akiva - It's hard living so far away!

Even without kids in the picture it’s hard to leave behind your home.  Whether it’s your family or your friends (who are, as they say, “the family you choose for yourself”), you leave important people behind.  I remember being in India, overwhelmed by the culture shock, and the only thing I wanted was to be able to talk to my family and friends and make some sense of things.  It is hard to leave your family behind.

So imagine how hard it must have been for Avraham (Abraham, then Avram) to leave behind his family.  Not only was he leaving them on a trip, but he was leaving them for good.  To make matters worse, his father, Terach, had been the local idol salesman… and he had just done teshuva and come around to Avram’s way of thinking and worshipping One G-d.  Avram knew that if he left his father, there was a strong likelihood he would go back to his old ways.  To think that someone you really love and care about is going to do something harmful to themselves (even spiritually) if you leave them, you would not want to leave them.

It is hard to be without family around you. It is hard to leave behind the people you love and care about.  It is even harder when you know those people rely on and are dependent on you.  But sometimes it is what you must do, for yourself.

Avram had to leave his family behind in order to become Avraham.  He had to grow spiritually and he could no longer do so in that space.  The challenge of being on his own made him grow spiritually.

So, too, when we strike out on our own and leave behind our support systems, we are forced to grow.  I cannot rely on my family for help with my baby when Rabbi Ben is away.  I have to find a way to manage on my own.  It makes me grow.

Although, of course, it is nice to have family around!  And if you do have your family around you this Shabbos, be grateful for it and thank them – tell them how much you appreciate them.  And if your family are far, call them or send them a message before Shabbos just to tell them you are thinking of them.

Shabbat Shalom!

Read more on Parshas Lech Lecha: The Journey Without, The Journey Within

Parshas Noach: Halacha of Traveling by Ship

Most of the time, Rabbi Ben and I travel by land or air.  For long distances, air is simply fastest. For short distances, overland travel is most economical.  But sometimes we do travel by water.  I love the water and really enjoy taking short jaunts on boats.  Most of the time, travel by water these days does not take as long as it once did. Our ships are faster and more stable.  But sometimes, like on cruises, or for sailors, trips by sea take much longer.

I’ve also taken a couple of cruises through the Caribbean, although cruises are not my personal favorite. (I get what I call “golden cage” syndrome – the ship is to me like a big, fancy prison – I just want to be off and exploring!)  Of course, Jews traveling on cruises have to take many factors into account.  You are allowed to go on a cruise that will be afloat over Shabbat, although you should not depart too close to Shabbat – make sure it leaves on a Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday.  Chazal, concerned about the possibility of seasickness, determined that it is inappropriate to leave within 3 days of Shabbat.  If your trip is traveling on Shabbat, make sure the ship is neither owned nor operated by Jews, and that it runs on fixed schedules, regardless of the number of passengers.

Of course, once you’re already on the cruise, you can disembark if the ship docks on Shabbat.  Just be careful – there won’t be any eruv, so you can’t carry. This applies even if you have some sort of ID badge!  So if you need ID to get back on the ship, best discuss it with the staff beforehand.  Don’t worry about going through metal detectors or the like – as long as you are wearing nothing that will set it off, it is fine to walk through them.  And since you won’t be carrying anything, you’ll have nothing to put through the X-ray machines! But while you’re off the ship, be careful not to walk too far – only about 7/10 of a mile is permitted.

While you’re on the ship, you might encounter many of the same challenges as if you are staying in a fancy hotel.  If your hotel uses electronic key cards, you will have to have staff open your door for you.  If doors are electronic, you will have to wait for a non-Jew to pass through and open them up.  If lighting candles is forbidden, you will have to light electronic ones (without a blessing!).

You should also plan a few things before you go. Make sure that kosher grape juice or wine and challah will be available – even if you have to bring it yourself.  Also, you should either explain to the ship that you want your Shabbos lunch served cold, or you should ask them to serve you a meal that contains no liquid that might be heated.   And make sure they know not to cook anything new on Shabbos! (If a non-Jew reheats a meal consisting only of solids on Shabbos without being asked, you can still eat it – but not if it includes liquids, sauces, or if it was cooked on Shabbos!) Make sure to also pack the essentials: a kiddush cup, candle(s) for havdallah, and a small sachet of besamim.

Even when it’s not Shabbat, you still have to take care on a cruise ship, especially with things like kashrus.  Make sure to order kosher meals in advance. It is easiest if you don’t go with a company that cannot order them for you.  Otherwise, you can always double-wrap some potatoes and veggies in foil and bake them, or maybe even get some fresh fish filleted for you.  It is best, however, to make sure you turn on the oven or place it in yourself. Other than that, you can always wash and check some veggies for yourself – if they’re cut with a clean, cold knife and aren’t sharp (like onion or radish) then they’re usually okay (although check with your rav depending on how strict you are!). If the ship has a “kosher” kitchen, inquire as to the divisions and the mashgiach situation – otherwise, it might not be reliable.

This week’s parsha features a really giant ship that was at sea for 40 consecutive days and nights.  Noach wasn’t bound by keeping the Torah, but it did get me thinking.  Noach did not sleep the entire time the ship was afloat!  He had to spend all of his time caring for the myriad animals aboard.  So I guess if you find Shabbat restrictions on a cruise ship challenging or tedious, just think about poor Noach, shoveling all that elephant poo!

Shabbat shalom!

Read more on Parshas Noach: Finding Good Role Models in Unusual Places

Parshas Bereishis: Packing Light

Carrying my pack around for hours, I wanted it as light as possible!

Sometimes people tell me there are things they just can’t envision living without that seem very strange to me.  For instance, one friend recently told me she couldn’t imagine traveling without her urn.  She simply MUST have hot tea on Shabbos!

But, as I explained to her, it’s not always a good idea to travel with a tea urn.  When backpacking in India, for instance, you have to carry everything on your back.  Trust me when I say that a tea urn, no matter how small and light, is going to be the first thing to go from your pack!  When I first set out on my travels I did not understand this, but after shlepping my pack around for a while I started to get rid of every spare ounce I could. I was happy when my shampoo was almost out – and unhappy when I had just got more. Every ounce counts!

This is true when we’re talking spiritual baggage, too.  Think about spiritual weight: Do a mitzvah and you can carry it around forever with it never getting heavy, but do an aveira and it’ll weigh on you.  And in an even more literal sense, our physical possessions have weight but our spiritual pursuits do not.  You can pray all day and it won’t weigh anything!  So when it comes to our lifetimes’ baggage it’s best to pack as lightly as possible – filling our “bags” with mitzvot instead of the more weighty alternatives.

This is especially true when we realize that we can’t take our physical possessions into the world to come, whereas we can bring our mitzvot along.  In this week’s parsha, we see what happens when we don’t focus our efforts in the right areas.  We encounter the classic story of Cain and Able.  Both brothers brought sacrifices to G-d but He preferred Able’s offering more.  Why? Because Able gave the very best of what he had to give.  Cain, on the other hand, gave inferior goods for his offering.  He wanted to keep the best for himself, so G-d rejected his offering.

Rabbi Ben carrying his pack in India

Cain was focused on the material, on the heavy goods in this world and in this life.  It’s a bit like traveling to a foreign land and buying a castle as your souvenir – you can’t actually take it home with you when you leave! Similarly, Cain couldn’t take his material possessions into the world to come, but he lost sight of that and focused on what he could get in the moment.

As we start off this new year, let’s all focus on packing as lightly as we can.  Let’s fill our bags with mitzvot and keep in mind that one day we will be “going home,” so to only pack those things we can easily take with us.

Shabbat shalom!

Read more on Parshas Bereishis: Every End is a New Beginning

Parshas Haazinu: The Power of Music

Akiva doesn’t use a pacifier.  He just doesn’t like it, and I don’t blame him.  It doesn’t exactly have anything yummy coming from it like when he sucks on a bottle, so what’s the point?  But I know a lot of babies do like them.  A friend recently asked me how I get him to settle to sleep if I don’t give him a pacifier.  I told her I sing to him.

You see, Akiva loves music.  He loves it if Rabbi Ben sings, he loves it if there’s music playing anywhere, and he even loves it when I sing. (Well, there’s no accounting for taste!)  Music just speaks to him, as I think it does for most of us.

Which is exactly why the Torah ends with a song.  Music lifts and inspires us. Music can change our mood. It has the power to transcend, to lift our souls closer to G-d. G-d understood that even if we had trouble connecting with His Torah, we could, at least, connect to a song.  So He gave us a song, to end the Torah and to help bring us closer to Him.

As for Akiva, well, he’s already singing.  Because I sing to him, he has started to sing himself to sleep now.  Not only does it make it easy to put him to sleep, since I can just walk away and let him sing himself to sleep, but it’s also achingly cute.  Here, have a listen:

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“>Akiva Singing

Shabbat Shalom!

Read more about Parshas Haazinu: Past, Present, and Future Are All One