Why Do We Expect Religious People to Be Better Mannered?

Last week’s series of posts prompted some interesting discussions.  One thing Rabbi Ben asked me was why my friend was so upset by her situation.  What had happened was that my friend and her daughter were waiting to board a bus but some obviously orthodox Jewish men did not move aside to allow them to board.  They felt this was disrespectful and she was really bothered by it.

But wait – why was she so upset?

I know this kind of thing happened to us pretty much every time we had to board a bus in India, but we never even thought about it, let alone being bothered by it!  In fact, in India it was much worse – we had to literally fight our way onto some buses!

So why on earth would someone be bothered by a group of men who don’t think to move out of the way?  And why would this upset her so much that she felt a need to share it, and publicly?

I guess there are two possible answers:

1) Religious people should act better.

2) Religious people are better (and therefore should act better).

If it’s the former, then we are placing an expectation on a group of people and judging them when they fail to meet that standard.  Why do we think religious people should act better, anyway?  Probably because they are committed to following a certain lifestyle that demands better behavior.

But the truth is, when we look into it, that in general religious Jews do act better.  Why is it so shocking when a religious Jew is caught committing fraud? Because it is so rare!  When a non-Jew or someone secular is caught committing fraud, it rarely shows up on the news.  Heck, even really serious crimes like murder and rape are usually not reported.  But if one religious Jew does it, it will be all over the media.

We take interest in that which is unusual.  Things that happen all the time fail to captivate our interest.  But if something out of the ordinary happens, suddenly it is the talk of the town.

If it is the second option that is the reason this situation bothers her, then she has a fundamental acknowledgment that religious people are better than non-religious people.  If this is the case, then she should become religious.  If we believe someone is better than us, we should try to be like them.

Of course people are not perfect, even religious people.  But if a religious person does something you find to be, well, not so kosher, then maybe you should ask yourself why it bothers you in the first place.  Maybe if you find the answer to that question you will find the solution lies within you, not within them.  We should always remember that we cannot change others, but we can change ourselves.  Asking ourselves introspective questions is one way to accomplish this.

And always remember, as the Ba’al Shem Tov said, that every single thing we see or encounter in our lives was sent to us by Hashem for our benefit!  Hashem loves us more deeply than we could ever imagine and He sends us these experiences to benefit us, not harm us. Baruch Hashem!!

Read Part 1 of Are Religious People Better Mannered?

Read Part 2 of Are Religious People Better Mannered?

Read Part 3 of Are Religious People Better Mannered?