Dear Babies,

Have you often felt left out of the Tisha B’Av rituals? Do you feel ignored because your parents refuse to deprive you of food and drink on this holiday of mourning? Do you want to help bring a feeling of mourning into your family’s lives?

NOW YOU CAN!

Just follow these easy steps to help your parents get into that Tisha B’Av mourning spirit!

1) Make a HUGE poopy diaper.  Be sure to poop enough that it squishes at least halfway up your back and down into the toes of your sleeper.

2) When being changed from said huge poopy diaper, squirm as much as possible and flail your arms and legs about. With luck, this will further extend your poopy coating even as far as your head! Be sure to get some on anything near you, especially expensive furniture and the person (or people) attempting to change you.

3) When you are completely clean again, but before a new diaper has been put on, poop some more.  Try your best to get some on the clothing and skin of whoever is changing you – remember, they can’t take a shower or do laundry!

4) Once you are clean and dressed, poop again in your new diaper. Bonus points if you can produce enough to repeat steps 1-3!

5) While you are being changed and nobody is watching your upper half, spit up everywhere. Be sure to coat all of your new clothing, face, and chest.

6) After being changed into clean clothes, pee everywhere. If you are a boy, make sure to aim for as many targets as possible.  Bonus points for hitting yourself (clean clothes and head), any other people in the vicinity, expensive furniture, carpeting, bedsheets, and pillows. This is a great time to practice your range!

7) After being changed again, wait a little while and when nobody is expecting it, spit up some more. Bonus points if you manage to spit up all over an unsuspecting adult.

8 ) Refuse to sleep when you are supposed to.  Wail loudly or whine in the highest pitch possible within human hearing range the entire time.

9) If your mother is exclusively breastfeeding, be sure to eat as much as possible – even more than normal.  This will assist you with steps 1-7!

10) Repeat as many of the above steps as many times as possible throughout the day.   This will help create an atmosphere of true mourning in your home!

PS – For those of you who love when we include photos, aren’t you glad we DIDN’T this time???!

Often I joke about how I want to travel to Mars. Maybe open the first Chabad house there or perhaps a Synagogue. Though it would take a long time to get there and I’m not sure I’d get ten men for a minyan. And anyway here is a Jewish Joke about Mars that I received from a women named Susie.

Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet. ‘Give me the box of matches,’ says one. ‘Either it burns to some degree and we will be able to tell if there is any oxygen, or nothing happens.’

He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when, out of the blue, a Martian appears waving all his arms… ’No, no, don’t!’

The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars? Nothing indicated it would have great quantities of methane or sulphur gases.

Still, he takes another match…. and…a crowd of hysterical Martians is coming, all waving their arms:

‘No, no, don’t do that!’

One of the astronauts says, ’This looks serious. What are they afraid of? Nonetheless, we’re here for Science, and this is our first experiment on Mars’.

So he strikes a match — which barely flames up, burns down, and…. nothing happens.

So he turns to the Martians and asks, ’Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?’

The leader of the Martians, shaking his head, says,

“It’s Shabbos, you idiot!”