Parshas Chayei Sarah: Learning How to Love

It’s springtime at last and love is in the air.  Well, at least that’s how the saying goes.  Yet, our modern conception of love is perhaps not what it ought to be.  Today’s high divorce rate is a testament that many people are entering into marriage with love, but not retaining it.  So, what is love?

Love, in Judaism, is not just that gratuitous spark you feel inside when you first meet your mate.  In Judaism, love is a three-part project.  In the first stage, you get those amazing butterflies when you see your loved one.  This is seen as a kind of “free gift” – but generally it wears off pretty quickly.  It is there to show us what to aspire to.  In the second stage, you have to work at love.  You have to work with your spouse to build it up.  This is when most marriages fail because couples today do not associate hard work with love.  The final stage is when the fire of love returns to the pit of your belly.  But instead of being a “free gift,” this time it is a gift you’ve earned the right to, through hard work and dedication.

So how do we earn the spark back?  Well, in Judaism, the core of love is giving.  This is why Avraham is known for chessed, lovingkindness.  Avraham gave and gave and gave to others, and as a result he loved them.  When we go out of our way to give to our spouse, we are building love within ourselves.  This is why our love for our children is so extreme – we give to them with no expectation that they will give back – we give simply for the sake of giving, and in return we get that amazing, extreme feeling of love.

Now this week’s parsha makes sense.  How could Isaac love Rebecca?  She was just a child when she came to him.  How could Rebecca love Isaac? He was an old man to her.  Yet, they instantly fell in love.  They felt that sudden and gratuitous spark.  Then, as they got to know each other, they worked at love. They gave to each other. Rebecca took up residence in Sarah’s tent and brought light back to their camp as she took up Sarah’s role of giving to the men in the camp, providing them with food and quiet sanctuary.  Isaac finally had a woman in his life to give to in return.  They were complete.

This is the essence of love that we learn in Judaism, and it can be applied to anyone.  If there is someone with whom you are at odds, try giving to them.  (This is in fact the reason why we give gifts of food on Purim – we are supposed to give them first to people we have a dispute with, because the act of giving to another opens the doors of forgiveness and love within our own hearts.)  If you want to build a stronger relationship with your spouse (or your children or parents, or anyone at all), give more to them.  It doesn’t need to cost any money; perhaps what they need most is your time, a hug, or your help with something.  The most important thing is to give.  Giving builds love.

Shabbat shalom!

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