Are Religious People Better Mannered? Part 3/3

Another thing people often say to me is, “Well, I am a good person, so I don’t need to keep kosher/Shabbat/pray.”  Sometimes they follow this up by saying, “Look at those religious people you see on the news! This one committed fraud, that one was a pedophile! I don’t want to be/look like them!”

Both of these attitudes is wrong.  In Judaism, it is important to do both - to be a “good person” (although if you do not have Torah, how do you define a “good person” anyway?) and to do those things for G-d, like keeping Shabbat, kashrut, and modesty laws.

Here is my response:

Of the ten commandments, five are between man & G-d and five are between man & man. Why five and five? Because they are of equal importance.

Rabbi Albert of Miami once told me a story I will never forget: you meet a man in the store with his young son. Will you disrespect the son in front of the father? No, you will upset the father! But will you disrespect the father in front of the son? No, you will upset the son! Showing respect to both father and son is important.

This is how it is with us and Hashem. When we respect G-d we are respecting the father. When we respect man we are respecting the son. (In this parable.)

So we try our best as Jews to do everything we can to respect both because both are equally important. Yet, many people find it is easier for them to do one half than the other. This is our tikkun (spiritual rectification).

Religious people who you see dressing in an observant fashion but not acting in such a respectful way maybe were showing their respect for G-d by dressing modestly, following laws about shaving, covering their heads, keeping kosher, etc. Yet they have some trouble showing their respect for man. They have some work to do on themselves, as we all do.

On the other hand, someone might be nice to other people and show them respect, but not keep kosher, tzniut (modest), Shabbat, etc. That person is showing respect to man and not to G-d. Again, those people still have work to do to improve themselves.

One is not more important than the other. They are both of equal importance.

So none of us can judge another person; even if they are outwardly dressing religiously but not acting as respectful as they should, they are still humans and still have tikkun to do, just as we all do. We have a Torah obligation to assume they are doing the very best they can and that they will continue growing. This is why someone like me, who keeps kosher, Shabbat, etc., can still love and not judge a Jew who is not doing those things.

As it says in Pirkei Avos, we cannot judge another person until we have stood in their shoes.

Read Part 1 of Are Religious People Better Mannered?

Read Part 2 of Are Religious People Better Mannered?

Are Religious People Better Mannered? Part 2/3

Judaism is not an all-or-nothing religion.  For some reason people seem to forget that.  They think, “well, I mix meat and milk so why should I not eat pork, too?”  They think, “I drive on Shabbat, so why shouldn’t I watch TV, too?”

I have no idea why so many people think this way, but I have encountered this attitude all over the world in my travels. It seems to be nearly universal.

The fact is that each moment in our lives is an opportunity to do another mitzvah.  Just because we did an aveira (sin) 5 minutes ago does not preclude our doing a mitzvah now!  Just because we ate pork yesterday does not mean it is no longer a mitzvah to decide not to eat shrimp today.

I know a lot of Israelis and secular people seem to have trouble with this concept as it regards “observant” Jews.  If a family keeps kosher at home but eats out in restaurants, it is often seen as being “hypocritical.”  How is this hypocritical?  It is not hypocritical at all!  The family is simply trying to do the mitzvot to their best of their ability.  If the option is to keep kosher sometimes, it is certainly better than keeping kosher never.  There is no shame in that.

The same holds true of every mitzvah out there.  There are campaigns where a group of friends will sign up to commit to not speaking lashon hara for 24 hours a day.  Each person in the group takes a few hours of the day and commits to not saying any gossip about anyone at all during their time slot.  This is highly admirable!  Just because they may slip up and speak some lashon hara during another time of the day does not invalidate the amazing work they are doing to not speak badly of others during their chosen hours.

We, as Jews, observant or not, are not claiming to be “perfect” just because we are the “chosen people” or because it is our job to be a “light unto the world.”  We are only claiming to do our best to do G-d’s will as it was given to us in the form of the Torah.  We are all on different levels and Judaism is not black-and-white.  We are free to take it slowly and do things one tiny mitzvah at a time.

So if you see someone who is dressed in a religious fashion but doesn’t necessarily act that way, remember: They are doing one mitzvah but not another, just like each and every one of us.

Judaism is like a ladder with many rungs… we are all doing our best to climb up it but we are all at different levels.

Or an even better allegory: our Judaism is like a house we are building.  Each day, we choose which bricks to put in our house and where to put them.  Or we choose which bricks to remove.

At the end of the day, every person has a different looking house built with stones of different shapes, sizes, and colors.  But that does not mean that just because one person has put up a nice facade on the outside of their house, that their living room will look great.  And it does not mean that just because another person’s house looks like a pile of rubble that their bedroom or kitchen will not be beautiful.  We all have different parts of our “house” that need to be fixed up.

Come back to check out Part 3 tomorrow!

Read Part 1 of “Are Religious People Better Mannered?”

Are Religious People Better Mannered? Part 1/3

Recently, a friend told me about how she’d had a bad experience with some religious men.  They were dressed in outwardly Orthodox Jewish garb, but they did not show her enough respect by moving aside to allow her to board a bus.

She is not the first person I know of who has commented on such a situation.  In fact, people mention things like this to me all the time.  It comes up both with individuals’ personal experiences and whenever an observant Jew is shown in the media.

My response is generally that we are all human beings and we all make mistakes.  Every person is given a different set of strengths and weaknesses.  Viewed in a light of Torah, these vary greatly.  There are a lot of different mitzvot (commandments) we must follow and a lot of different middot (character traits) we must work on.  This is why each and every one of us is different, unique, and special.

We learn that changing just one middah (character trait) is harder than memorizing the entire Gemara… and that is quite hard to do!

The problem is that some of our weaknesses are more publicly visible than others.  Maybe one observant Jew has a weakness for money and will pursue it at all costs.  What happens when he is caught cheating or stealing or committing fraud?  He ends up in the news and the whole world knows about it.  Maybe another observant Jew has a weakness for cheeseburgers.  First of all, it is easier to hide a cheeseburger (even if you get caught, you can probably eat it before anyone can prove it was real meat and real cheese).  Second of all, it might damage his reputation within a local community, but it is hardly going to end up in the news.  Yet both of these men are committing sins.  They both have their weaknesses.

In fact, some sins and weaknesses are so commonplace, we hardly even regard them as sins anymore!  A lack of modesty is idolized in our society.  And the world would see nothing wrong with speaking gossip, even though lashon hara is one of the most terrible sins there is. There are even entire magazines you can buy devoted to lashon hara, just as there are magazines you can buy of people dressed in an immodest fashion (actually these magazines seem to me to often be one and the same!).

The problem is that when someone outwardly acts and dresses in an observant fashion, we hold them to a higher standard, have higher expectations of them.  And it is true that in presenting yourself in a certain way, you make yourself a role model.  However, it is not true that just because you are doing your best to be a role model that you will be perfect.

We as the viewers of these people must always remember that even our “role models” are human, too, and have their flaws and challenges.  We are, all of us, human and imperfect.

Stay tuned tomorrow for part 2!

Parshas Chayei Sarah: Learning How to Love

It’s springtime at last and love is in the air.  Well, at least that’s how the saying goes.  Yet, our modern conception of love is perhaps not what it ought to be.  Today’s high divorce rate is a testament that many people are entering into marriage with love, but not retaining it.  So, what is love?

Love, in Judaism, is not just that gratuitous spark you feel inside when you first meet your mate.  In Judaism, love is a three-part project.  In the first stage, you get those amazing butterflies when you see your loved one.  This is seen as a kind of “free gift” – but generally it wears off pretty quickly.  It is there to show us what to aspire to.  In the second stage, you have to work at love.  You have to work with your spouse to build it up.  This is when most marriages fail because couples today do not associate hard work with love.  The final stage is when the fire of love returns to the pit of your belly.  But instead of being a “free gift,” this time it is a gift you’ve earned the right to, through hard work and dedication.

So how do we earn the spark back?  Well, in Judaism, the core of love is giving.  This is why Avraham is known for chessed, lovingkindness.  Avraham gave and gave and gave to others, and as a result he loved them.  When we go out of our way to give to our spouse, we are building love within ourselves.  This is why our love for our children is so extreme – we give to them with no expectation that they will give back – we give simply for the sake of giving, and in return we get that amazing, extreme feeling of love.

Now this week’s parsha makes sense.  How could Isaac love Rebecca?  She was just a child when she came to him.  How could Rebecca love Isaac? He was an old man to her.  Yet, they instantly fell in love.  They felt that sudden and gratuitous spark.  Then, as they got to know each other, they worked at love. They gave to each other. Rebecca took up residence in Sarah’s tent and brought light back to their camp as she took up Sarah’s role of giving to the men in the camp, providing them with food and quiet sanctuary.  Isaac finally had a woman in his life to give to in return.  They were complete.

This is the essence of love that we learn in Judaism, and it can be applied to anyone.  If there is someone with whom you are at odds, try giving to them.  (This is in fact the reason why we give gifts of food on Purim – we are supposed to give them first to people we have a dispute with, because the act of giving to another opens the doors of forgiveness and love within our own hearts.)  If you want to build a stronger relationship with your spouse (or your children or parents, or anyone at all), give more to them.  It doesn’t need to cost any money; perhaps what they need most is your time, a hug, or your help with something.  The most important thing is to give.  Giving builds love.

Shabbat shalom!

Read more on Parshas Chayei Sarah: To Love a Child

Read more on Parshas Chayei Sarah: Isaac & Rebecca Teach Us What Love Is

Parshas Vayera:  Giving Your Best to Your Guests

One of the most exciting things about having a fixed address is that we can entertain guests.  In fact, I used to always insist she “wanted a kitchen.” “Just a kitchen?” Rabbi Ben would ask. “Well, a kitchen and a dining room… So I can cook and then have somewhere for people to eat when they come over,” I would reply.  “What about a bedroom?” “We can sleep under the dining room table.” “A bathroom?” “There’s always the great outdoors.”

The point of having a house is to use it for doing mitzvot like entertaining guests, not for our own comfort.  When people shop for a new house, they have numerous requirements: a Jacuzzi in the master bath, a big bedroom, a walk-in closet, a garage.  Our biggest requirement (perhaps our only requirement) was that it be outfitted well for entertaining: a sufficient kitchen and a nice big dining room.  Everything else is a bonus.

A brunch set up at our home, ready to feed as many guests as walk in the door!

We learn a lot about entertaining guests in this week’s parsha.  Avraham wants so badly to have guests that he is willing to sit outside in unbearable heat on the third day after his circumcision (when it is the most painful) just so he can look for guests.  And when some guests do come along, he goes overboard with the preparations and slaughters entire animals for them, in addition to having Sarah bake mountains of fresh bread.  Abraham wanted to give his guests the best of what he had.

Not only did he provide for their physical needs, but Avraham provided for their spiritual needs as well.  He was not bothered in the least that he would now spend hours entertaining total strangers.  He took their arrival as an opportunity to speak to them about G-d and feed them spiritually as well as physically.

So, too, must we when we entertain guests.  We should use the freshest produce, the nicest and ripest fruits and vegetables, the fanciest desserts.  We should pull out all the stops and do our best to make sure that the food on the table is so abundant there is no way it could all be finished.  No matter who or when or what or why, one should do their best to make themselves available to speak with or counsel anyone who needs it.  We must strive to make sure that nobody leaves our house hungry, spiritually or physically.

This is the ideal in Judaism and this is what we strive to emulate.  We Jews are happy when our tables are full of guests.  We are happy when we can offer someone else food or drink, or can give them a hug or a listening ear when they need it.  We are happy when we can give our very best to our guests.

Shabbat shalom!

Read more about Parshas Vayera: The Journey Continues

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