Rabbi Lawrence Keleman on Tisha B’Av

Last night I had the privilege to be able to hear Rabbi Lawrence Keleman of Neve Yerushalayim (where I went to seminary) speak on the subject of Tisha B’Av.

He started out by questioning why the Second Temple was destroyed.  The First Temple was destroyed because the Jews were engaged in idolatry, adultery, and murder.  The Second Temple’s destruction was considered to be much worse.  We are told that the Jews in the time of the Second Temple kept the mitzvot. They were nice enough to each other to their faces. Yet, it was destroyed because of sinas chinam, baseless hatred. How can this be?

He began his explanation by saying we all too often live in a two dimensional world when we should live in a three dimensional world.  The two-dimensional world is one of materialism and superficiality while the third dimension is in spirituality.   The example he gave was one about greeting others.  Rabbi Yochana Ben Zakkai used to be known for greeting everyone – including non-Jews – first.  However, if someone does not greet you back when you greet them it is as if they are a thief.  Therefore, we are cautioned not to greet someone who will not greet us back because it will turn them into a thief – akin to placing a stumbling block before the blind.  So how could Rabbi Yochana Ben Zakkai greet everyone? A talmid chacham (Torah scholar) should greet everyone because the talmid chacham is like a living moral compass.  He lives in the spiritual realm also – he lives in all three dimensions.  He helps us to see that third dimension.

Most of the time, unfortunately, we don’t see the third dimension.  It affects us and we don’t even realize it.  Fear and anxiety are the result of not living in the third dimension.  The third dimension is one of connection, of relationship.  Closing ourselves off from relationship causes us to live in fear and anxiety.

There are three types of relationships:

1) Relationship with G-d.  This means doing the mitzvot.  Hashem gives us 613 mitzvot to do. It is as if He has written us a love letter. The least we can do is to say, “Wow! These simple things we can do to make our Beloved happy – we must do them!”  Even missing little things – especially missing the little things – causes us to feel anxiety.  Failure to wash hands after having a haircut, for example, causes anxiety for 3 days.  Failure to wash hands after cutting your nails causes anxiety for 1 day. And so on and so forth.  In our relationships, it’s the little things that count for the most.

2) Relationships with other people.  This means focusing on relationships and connection.  Rabbi Keleman gave the example of a couple who had a little fight and the husband came to him after not speaking with his wife for three weeks.  He called the wife and told her, “Your husband wants so much to apologize, but he is afraid that if he does so you will use it to jump on him.” She agreed not to jump on him but admitted she had been afraid to apologize because she thought her husband would criticize her. So Rabbi Keleman went back to the husband and said, “Your wife wants so much to apologize but she is afraid you will criticize her.” He agreed not to be critical.  The couple was reconciled.  The key to relationships is in that connection.

3) Relationship with self.  We all have a body and a soul.  We need to take time for ourselves to work on the relationship between our body and our soul.  Just because you study Torah all the time does not mean you are excused from spending time alone and concentrating on yourself.  If you don’t, you will have anxiety and you will not know where it is coming from.

When we take this knowledge and apply it to the story of Kamtza and bar Kamtza, we gain a new insight into the destruction of the Temple.  You see, a man was having a party and he wanted to invite his best friend Kamtza.  Instead, his servant mistakenly invited his mortal enemy, bar Kamtza.  Seen through the lens of relationships, we can answer the question of why bar Kamtza would even accept such an invitation in the first place.  Imagine bar Kamtza encounters the servant of his worst enemy.  The servant tells him, “My master wants to invite you to a party.” Bar Kamtza says, “Who? Me? But I’m his worst enemy! There must be a mistake.” “Oh no, sir, my master never makes a mistake! He swears you’re his very best friend and you must come to his party.” Bar Kamtza gets to thinking, “Wow, he must want to reconcile! After all these years!”  And all the fear that comes from disconnecting melts away.

So bar Kamtza shows up at the party.  The host comes in to see his worst enemy sitting in his living room.  ”Get out!” he tells him. “But you invited me! At least let me stay – I’ll even pay for my food and drink.” bar Kamtza says.  ”No way! Get out!” shouts the host. “Please! I’ll even pay for half the party! Only don’t embarrass me in front of all these people…!” “No… GET OUT!” says the host. “I’ll pay for the whole party!” offers bar Kamtza, in a desperate last-ditch attempt…. After which the host tosses him out onto the street.  And the whole time none of the rabbis in the room say anything.  Hundreds of rabbis, all the top Torah scholars in the realm, are there and not one of them says anything to stop it.  The moral compass is broken. “I guess,” bar Kamtza concludes, “That there is no third dimension after all.”  And this leads to the destruction of the Temple.  That is sinas chinam. That is baseless hatred.

If we want the Third Temple, we have to strive for connection. We have to focus on connecting with Hashem and with others and with ourselves.  We have to tap into that third dimension.

Dear Babies,

Have you often felt left out of the Tisha B’Av rituals? Do you feel ignored because your parents refuse to deprive you of food and drink on this holiday of mourning? Do you want to help bring a feeling of mourning into your family’s lives?

NOW YOU CAN!

Just follow these easy steps to help your parents get into that Tisha B’Av mourning spirit!

1) Make a HUGE poopy diaper.  Be sure to poop enough that it squishes at least halfway up your back and down into the toes of your sleeper.

2) When being changed from said huge poopy diaper, squirm as much as possible and flail your arms and legs about. With luck, this will further extend your poopy coating even as far as your head! Be sure to get some on anything near you, especially expensive furniture and the person (or people) attempting to change you.

3) When you are completely clean again, but before a new diaper has been put on, poop some more.  Try your best to get some on the clothing and skin of whoever is changing you – remember, they can’t take a shower or do laundry!

4) Once you are clean and dressed, poop again in your new diaper. Bonus points if you can produce enough to repeat steps 1-3!

5) While you are being changed and nobody is watching your upper half, spit up everywhere. Be sure to coat all of your new clothing, face, and chest.

6) After being changed into clean clothes, pee everywhere. If you are a boy, make sure to aim for as many targets as possible.  Bonus points for hitting yourself (clean clothes and head), any other people in the vicinity, expensive furniture, carpeting, bedsheets, and pillows. This is a great time to practice your range!

7) After being changed again, wait a little while and when nobody is expecting it, spit up some more. Bonus points if you manage to spit up all over an unsuspecting adult.

8 ) Refuse to sleep when you are supposed to.  Wail loudly or whine in the highest pitch possible within human hearing range the entire time.

9) If your mother is exclusively breastfeeding, be sure to eat as much as possible – even more than normal.  This will assist you with steps 1-7!

10) Repeat as many of the above steps as many times as possible throughout the day.   This will help create an atmosphere of true mourning in your home!

PS – For those of you who love when we include photos, aren’t you glad we DIDN’T this time???!

Parshas Devarim & Tisha B’Av: We Have to Look for the Good

Every place we visit has its own character.  Places are like people in that respect: They each have their own character traits.  They’re all unique and different – and it takes some time to really get to know them.

Like people, each place has its good and its bad characteristics.  The question is, what do you choose to focus on?  Think of a person you know whom you like and describe them. Invariably you will list plenty of wonderful things about them.  Now think of a person you know whom you dislike and describe them. I bet you’re listing bad things about them.  Now try it for a place you like and a place you dislike – I bet it’s the same situation!

If I meet a person and I really want to like them – say they’re my new neighbor and I know I’ll be living next to them for the next few years – I will try my hardest to see the good things about them.  It’s the same for the place I just moved into.  If I just bought a house, I am really hoping to like the new neighborhood, city, and country I’m in.  I’ll look as hard as I can for the good things about that place – otherwise, I’ll be stuck in a place that makes me unhappy!

But the story is different when we have an option, when we have an “out.”  When we are just meeting someone briefly and we know we have no obligation to ever see them again, we are free to find their flaws.  It doesn’t matter as much if we don’t like them.  If we are visiting a place, we know we don’t ever have to go back if we don’t want to, so we can pick out what is wrong with it.

This is exactly the problem that was caused by the spies Moshe (Moses) sent out.  He sent them to spy out the land of Israel confident that they would pick out all the wonderful and good things about the land.  In Moshe’s eyes, it was already the Jews’ new home and he had that perspective that led him to look for the good in the new place.  The spies, however, had a different perspective.  They knew they still had an alternative: to stay in the desert.  They weren’t living in Israel yet, they weren’t stuck.  So they felt free to pick out all the bad things about the land – and they did.

This week’s parsha mentions so many different things that it is easy to overlook this oft-repeated story, but it is crucial to notice, especially this Shabbos.  This Shabbos is an interesting situation: it is Tisha B’Av.  Our observance of Tisha B’Av is delayed until Sunday this year, but its meaning for this Shabbos and this parsha cannot be pushed off.  On Tisha B’Av we are reminded that our holy Temple has not been restored to us and we are told that if this is so, it is as if it was destroyed in our generation.

And why was it destroyed? The sin of sinas chinam – baseless hatred of one Jew for another.  Just as the spies looked for the bad things in the land of Israel (thus prompting Hashem to respond with, “I’ll give you something really worth crying about!” and leading to the creation of Tisha B’Av), the Jews looked for bad things in their fellows.

Just as speaking badly about another Jew is the sin of lashon hara, speaking badly about the land of Israel is also lashon hara.  Amazing how important and linked we two are – we Jews and the land of Israel.

This year, we must concentrate on eradicating these sins from our lives.  Both the sin of the spies – speaking badly about the land of Israel – which caused the creation of Tisha B’Av… and the sin of the Jews – speaking badly about one another – which causes Tisha B’Av to continue – are equal and must be stopped.

The way to stop them both is one and the same: ALWAYS LOOK FOR THE GOOD.  One friend of mine, who isn’t even Jewish, inspired me by suggesting to look for even the tiniest good thing in another person.  No matter how small it is, you can focus on it.  Even if it’s simply noticing that your “enemy” has nice eyebrows or that Tel Aviv has a beautiful sunset.  Even if it seems petty or unimportant, focus on it.  From even one seed of good a tree of good can grow in your mind’s eye.

Wishing you all an easy fast and strength from Hashem to find the good in every person and every place!

Shabbat Shalom!

Read more about Parshas Devarim: To Sum it all up, Just Have Faith

Read more about Tisha B’Av: Hashem is Homeless and So Are We

Can You Feed Children Meat During the 9 Days?

As a vegetarian, the restriction against eating meat during the 9 days has hardly hit my radar.  In fact, it makes eating at friends’ houses even more exciting than normal because there is often some dairy treat.

Normally, as a vegetarian, I get asked some tough questions, but those have changed recently.  Now I mostly get asked one question: But aren’t you going to allow your son to eat meat?

The answer is, I am not really comfortable with it.  From my research, I don’t think it’s healthy.  And if it’s not healthy for me to eat it, then why would I feed it to my child?  I had a healthy pregnancy without adding meat to my diet and Akiva is growing fast and healthy fed exclusively on breastmilk produced on vegetarian food.  I simply cannot think of why I would want to introduce meat to his diet!

However, it seems that the rabbis of old disagree with me to a certain extent.

All poskim agree that healthy children above the age of 7 should not be given meat… but what about those younger?

All poskim agree that children under the age of 3 are allowed to have meat. So it seems that the rabbis believe strongly that meat is necessary for the health of children under the age of three.

Some Poskim are lenient for children between the ages of 3 and 7. Other Poskim, including the Mishna Berura (Siman 551:70), are stringent and don’t allow it.

So it seems that the rabbis agree that meat is actually necessary for the health of a child below the age of three. After that, it’s debatable.

Personally, I can’t find any reason why a child, under the age of three or not, would need meat for his/her health.  The biggest concern people seem to have is that the child won’t get enough protein.  However, protein in a vegetarian diet is available in many forms – there is no need to eat meat, not during the 9 days or any other time.  Tofu, nuts, beans, and legumes are all fantastic sources of protein and they are all vegan.  Plus, you avoid harmful antibiotics and hormones added to animal products.  Trust me, your children will continue to grow just fine without the addition of bovine growth hormone to their diets!  (If you’re vegetarian, it is worthwhile to find free range eggs and dairy. And no matter what you should buy organic to avoid harmful pesticides and toxins – no child needs those!)

Perhaps in olden times when these rabbis were writing their decisions, children really did need meat to maintain their health.  Perhaps they did not have access to foods like nuts or beans on a regular basis and eggs were too valuable to be eaten.  But for most of us, this is no longer the situation.  So I would question whether children today really need to be fed meat during the 9 days – or at all.

Taxes suck.  I don’t know of anyone I’ve met in any of my travels who has said, “Hooray! It’s tax time! I simply can’t wait to fill out those forms! Giving the government money is my favorite thing to do!”  At best, I’ve heard someone say, “At least this year the government owes me money.” – but the idea of actually paying taxes? Nobody gets excited about that.

This of course comes to mind because in Australia it is tax season.  I have never been able to wrap my head around taxes.  Anything involving numbers eludes me completely.  I have a hard enough time just paying bills because they involve numbers, let alone filling out pages upon pages of confusing forms filled with terms that make no sense and instruction books long as a telephone directory.  Sure, I’ve got a law degree, but taxes? Taxes are something I find overwhelming.

It was tax season in this week’s parsha, too.  The Jews went to war and came back with some impressive spoils.  The soldiers and the people had to share the booty equally – and they also had to pay tax on it.  The soldiers had to pay 1/500 in tax and the people had to pay 1/50 (the standard amount of trumah).  It makes sense, perhaps, that the people would not resent paying tax on their “winnings” because they hadn’t actually gone out and fought for them.  But surely the soldiers, even with their lower tax bracket, resented that they had to pay tax on the spoils they’d worked to earn – and which they had already had to share with the rest of the population.

On the contrary, the soldiers actually wanted to give extra.  The officers heaped gifts of gold upon Moshe (Moses).  After all, under his oversight as Commander in Chief, he brought them not only to victory, but to victory without any loss of life.  Not a single soldier had died!

It is easy to explain that part of the reason the Jews didn’t mind being taxed is because the taxes went to Elazar haCohen.  He was the high priest and the Jews understood the important role of the priesthood.  They provided a service – helping the Jews to receive forgiveness and to commune with G-d – that was important to every single Jew.

The truth is, we also have taxes to pay that we really should not resent.  Our “taxes” to G-d, the 10% of our income that we give annually as miser, is payment for all that G-d does for us.  He gives us everything we earn, He gives us the food we eat, the homes we live in, the sun and moon and stars.  The least we can do is to pay our taxes to Him cheerfully enough – and it seems to me that most Jews do this.

Much harder is it to pay taxes to our government.  Yet, we also should not resent this.  We may not always be happy with everything our government does, but we still owe them an awful lot.  Think about it.  Does your country have roads? Is there a police force? Fire department? Water mains and a sewage treatment plant? Is there a justice system? Is there an army to protect you from invaders? What would your world look like if the government – *poof!* – just disappeared – and along with it all the things it provided? Imagine your world with no infrastructure.  No streets, no sidewalks, no subways or metros, no running water in our homes, no police or fire department to call, no public schooling, and so on and so forth.  The governments of the countries we live in provide us with so many things we take for granted – but shouldn’t.

The Torah teaches us that we should abide by the laws of the governments in which we live and this includes taxes.  By paying attention to the attitude of the Jews toward taxes in this week’s parsha we can learn better how to approach our own tax season.

Read more on Parshas Mattos: Getting Your Priorities Straight

Read more on Parshas Masei: It’s All a Matter of Perspective